Butterflies – Draft 2

May 26th, 2010 by Alan | No Comments | Filed in Writing Tips
Please see the post Essay on a Beautiful Meadow. I thought I’d share some of my revisions with you.  I still consider this first draft.  In this case, I wrote the copy in Microsoft Word and pasted it into FastPencil.  I’ve also written material in FastPencil first, and then copied it into Word documents. In this particular post, I’m showing you how the FastPencil revision tool lets me compare and contrast changes.

Compare Revisions

Showing differences in Butterflies
between revision 3 by lbcreative created less than a minute ago
and revision 2 by lbcreative created 19 minutes ago.

Additions are highlighted with green , deletions with red.

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough.

- Rabindranath Tagore


 Universe  7. A field.

When she materialized, Lea found herself looking atadmiring thousands of monarch butterflies alighting on trees in a field, and she smiled.field; a radiant smile filled her face, converting her somewhat angular features into a work of beauty that would have inspired Michelangelo. “I’ve missed you all,” she unconsciously whispered, more to herself than to the butterflies. The butterflies said nothing.  Her presence, apparently, went completely unnoticed.  The next moment, the butterflies were gone.  Had she dreameddreamt them?

She doubted that she was in Monterrey, the weather was too cool.As a child growing up near Monterrey, California the annual coming of the monarch butterflies thrilled her. Now, that pleasant memory overrode the fear and trepidation that she would normally feel from being transported away from her nurses’ desk to a field in the middle of . . . The middle of who knows where.  The antiseptic smell of a hospital ward was gone.  Realizing that she was wearing the black- leather purse/backpack that she had donned because she was getting ready to go off shift, she took out a pen and diary and started to write.  She wrote slowly andat first:  “The stringent smell of antiseptics has been replaced by the sweet smell of a meadow that is perfectly round as if someone had intentionally created the flawless circle, tearing out the trees but leaving non evidence of that violence in the waving grass.”

The speed ofShe started to write rapidly, perhaps at four to five times her normal writing increases, it isspeed, yet every word, every letter was perfectly formed and easily visible. It’s like she isI’m recording God’s word, acting as a conduit, but she knows that theword. But I know these thoughts she isI am scribing are uniquely hers,mine. “To the east, there is a stream bubbling quietly. The meadow is so stunning with the sunlight that I can only see through the cracks between the trees over my head. It is beautiful and serene. The trees are so tall that it’s necessary to lie down on the wavy grass just to see the top. I run my hand over the tall wet grass.  It  tickles the tips of my fingers.   The smell of the meadow is fresh and sweet which relaxes me.   There are two huge rocks by a lake suitable to sit on.”

Lea walked over to the rocks.  She sat down on them, and continued writing, “the rhythm of my footprints started to numb by mind. As I gazed over the magnificent view of the huge valley that lay before me, I can see a beautiful lake that glittered in the sunlight.
At a distance, that only could be seen when I squinted my eyes. I can see a huge, beautiful waterfall that is crashing down into a long river which caused it to make foam.

Above my head, I can hear birds singing happily as they fly to their nests. Slowly, it turned dark until I could not see my hand in front of my face. I lay down on my back, wild flowers all around me as I can see millions of tiny stars in the sky. Tonight the moon is twice the size than I ever seen it before. I can hear owls hooting in the distance. I am relaxed.”

The next morning she awoke, and finished her diary entry, “I fell asleep faster than I thought I would in my beautiful meadow. I thanked God for bringing me here . . .”[1] Then, as Lea recalled watching the doctor disappear, pink mist enveloping both him and herself. She thought, ‘WhatWhat about my family? What about my 2-year old Emily, my husband Robert, my sister Hannah?’Hannah?

Her mind jumped to the third floor of the South Meadows campus of Reno’s Renown Hospital.  In the distance, she saw a window that looked out on the parking lot that lead to Double R. Bar Street. Doctor Joel Kismentis, was looking straight at her, wondering what was happening to both of them.

Where am I am? What I am doing here? What’s next? The thoughts fluttered through her subconscious, and surfaced in the very front of her brain. It made no sense, so she bent down and though Lea did not think of herself as a particularly religious person, she did the only thing she knew to do, “Dearpray. She closed her eyes, clasped her hands together, took three deep breaths. Although she did not see them, she smelled lilacs. Dear God, Thank you. Thank you for giving me this peace, this serenity.  Thank you for allowing me to recapture the joy, the passion of my childhood.  If only, Dear God, if only you could bring me my Emily, my Robert, my Hannah.  Dear God, with them, I could start over.  Please, Dear God, please.  If you do this for me, I will . . . .” and her prayers were answered. ThereShe opened her eyes when she heard a soft popping sound and there before her, three separate areas of pink mist evaporated to reveal three bewildered were Emily, Robert, Hannah and strangely enough, Dr. Kismentis.people: Emily, Robert, Hannah and strangely enough, Dr. Kismentis.Hannah,. Thank you, God! Thank you. Perhaps a tenth of a second passed and Lea thought Oh, My God, What have I done?

[1] http://www.123helpme.com/view.asp?id=156018.  (Used with permission granted with attribution.)

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Writing Tip: Using Photos For Inspiration

April 18th, 2010 by Alan | No Comments | Filed in Web Available, Writing Tips

This image by Lulybelle helped me to flesh out the pink mist as described in The End of All Times

This is a link to a photograph published on Flickr by Lulybelle.  It helped me to polish my writing, and allow the pink mist in The End of All Times to become more of a character rather than a two-dimensional villain.

Before Viewing this Photograph

Here’s the description of I had of the Pink Mist’s first appearance before I saw this photograph:

Now, the scenery was still there, but swirls of a rose-pink gas rose from the grass and trees.  The beautiful blue sky now appeared gray.  Who ever made up the line about looking at the world through rose-colored glasses, obviously never tried it. . . .

Roger’s eyes widened in disbelief as he followed the same golfer who shot up as if something had stabbed him from behind. The pink mist gathered around him, and in a sudden blur, it seemed to glow. The golfer’s scream was swallowed as the mist reached his throat.   95% of the golfer’s body was now gone, and suddenly the mist was consumed by flame that produced a golden-white light. What’s more, a moment later, where there had once been a golfer, there was now nothing at all.  Or, if there was something, it was too little to observe from the twelfth story of the Emerald Lake hotel that overlooked the Edgewood Golf course.

“Roger”, he heard Madeline’s frantic voice through the headset of the phone.  She sounded desperate.  “You answer me!” . . .


Pink Mistover is 100% fatal within three minutes.  Fatal, perhaps, is not the right word.  The pink mist appears to convert the mass of the body into energy and also into one of several gases—oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide. He paused, unsure of his facts, then continued.  Some may not consider it fatal because . . .”

“Because, if you were a religious person, you might think of yourself as being reborn, and . . . ”

“. . . And, . . . “

“. . . because, even though we can not explain it chemically, after a flashing some people smell lilac, or sometimes, sulfur.”

After Viewing this Photograph

Outside, a tall pink mist materialized close enough for him to make out some of its details.  It was a series of constantly-changing wisps.  The pink was darkest at the bottom, lightest at the top, it essence.  One could imagine leaves and stems, growing upwards, as they reached into new territory they were less colorful.  As it propagated, the pink color darkened. Watching it was hypnotic, a belly dancer turning slowly, sensually  and then and, then, almost like an animal sniffing out its prey, it shifted toward the nearest golfer who was apparently hypnotized by its gyrations.

What happened next wasn’t what Roger saw, but what he heard. . . .

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Tips for writing a novel – Tip 9 – 3 Ways to Test Your Writing

January 29th, 2010 by Alan | No Comments | Filed in Writing Tips

You’ve written a story or a book.  It’s the best book that was ever written, or is it?  Unfortunately, if you’re like me, you may be blind to the fact that your first draft is, well a first draft–unpolished, boring, basically an outline. Finishing feels great, so my writing feels great, to me anyway.

Here are some of the ways that I test my writing:

  1. I show it to other writers in critique groups. This is a proven way to get constructive feedback from people who have suffered through the same issues that plague me.  Of course, it’s important to pick the right writers’ group.  Some groups are filled with what Toastmaster Club members call, “White Washers”–those who say only nice things.  There are groups that are made up of smug people who compare everything you write to the great masters.  I was in a poetry critique group like this once.  It was a disaster.  Finally, there are groups that are made up of writers who are at different levels, and who offer constructive criticism.  Frankly, the criticism that they offer may hurt, but take it seriously. Keep in mind that a critique is not necessarily right, but don’t reject it out-of-hand.  Let each critique digest.
  2. Find on-line writer’s forums to provide feedback. I regularly use two different forums, and the comments that I get are extremely helpful.  Here are a few examples  of comments that I received on several manuscripts:
    • Watch using the same words in paragraphs. It tends to be redundant and lacking by way of variation. You will understand what I mean when you view the comparisons. This seems to work. The final decision of course is yours. Very descriptive text. I like it. I smile because I cannot believe this story is grabbing me the way it is. Looking forward to reading more.
    • Alan, why is mom referred to as “mom,” and dad referred to as “Mr. Alexander” as opposed to dad or his father?
    • I have to tell you I’m a slow reader.  That said, I love this first chapter… really a good start.  I love the nearly magic feel yet the difference with the rude of the old man and the sweetness of the wife. It seems like going into a magic shop, but when you can say yes obvious, the shop is been described as a normal one. More like a mmmm gadget tourist shop. but then when you think is not magic, something nearly magic happens.  Lovely.
    • I think you have a good combination of the artwork and the poems you have created to go with the art. It’s very edgy, which I think will be well received for the age groups you have indicated you’re interested in. Love the idea of combining the artwork with the poems. When I first started reading them, my only concern was whether or not they were too depressing, with all of the talk about death and a sense of hopelessness which came across in the earlier poems. That was not the case as I read the remainder of the poems. Perhaps a rearranging of the chapters, so there would be a better balance throughout would be worth considering. I only bring this up because you had mentioned in one of your comments that you intend the poems to be for teens and there is already such a high suicide rate for this age, that to have a high concentration of hopeless sounding poems was a concern to me.My father committed suicide when I was a teenager and it’s such a waste to see anyone’s life snuffed out in that manner. In fact I wrote a poem at that time, that I still send out to others who are going through a time of grieving. I’ve thought about trying to round up others who have written poems during a time of grief, but not sure where to begin to find contributors. Your collaborative work with the artist in this case has been a source of encouragement to continue to pursue this idea in the near future.
  3. Read your work out loud, tape it and listen to it. Or, use a speech-to-text generator, and have your computer read your work to you. I find that I hear mistakes that I skip over when I’m reading.  I read what I expect to see, not what’s on the paper.  When it’s read out loud, particularly by a computer voice, I find errors that are invisible to me when I’m reading the words on paper.

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Tips for Writing a Novel – Tip 8 – Using Power Point to Build a Stepsheet

January 28th, 2010 by Alan | No Comments | Filed in Writing Tips
stepsheet

Tips for writing novels - Use a Stepsheet - An extended outline

When I wrote a 1,000 word article, I don’t need an outline. I can keep everything straight in my head. In fact, in many cases, I create an outline and then flesh it out. I can’t possibly keep all of the twists and turns of a novel in my head. I get lost. When I don’t have an extended outline, I can lose my way, or worse yet, spend many hours writing material that I throw away.

You can easily create a stepsheet in any word processing program that provides outlining capabilities, and you can also create a stepsheet using special programs that you can buy on the Internet.  You’ll know what’s right for the way that you write.  Here’s why I sometimes use Microsoft PowerPoint to create a stepsheet:

  • It’s easy for me to drop in one item on one screen.
  • I can set Microsoft Powerpoint to display a slide show that displays every slide automatically, or any number of slides–like the slides that comprise chapters 1, 2 and 3 only.
  • I can make a voice recording for each slide, and have the PowerPoint show read me the stepsheet.  In this way I can hear as well as see the spreadsheet.
  • I sometimes export the spreadsheet to a Microsoft Word document, and use it to write my novel.
  • I can color some of the text to indicate where I want to have dramatic

It’s easy to create a stepsheet in Microsoft PowerPoint.  All  you need to do is open a new PowerPoint presentation and start typing.  However, these tips make it easier for me to use the stepsheet that I create. Perhaps, they will also help  you.

  • I place the main thought in the title bar
  • I expand my thoughts in the box that appears under the title box
  • I might indicate I want to write in a narrative voice in blue.
  • I might indicate areas that I think are very important on in green.  (Green is the color of leaves in spring.)
  • I might indicate areas that I’m not sure about in brown. (Brown is the color of a leaf that is dying.)
  • Sometimes, I use colored backgrounds in slides.  Colored backgrounds make it easy to show different chapters, and I can use a colored background to indicate when I’m thinking about getting rid of a point.
  • When I use colors as backgrounds, green means I really like the idea, yellow indicates caution and red means probably delete

Ironically, some of the ideas I like best get thrown away first.  That’s because they don’t advance the premise of the story.  The premise is the driving purpose of a story—the test that each and every page, paragraph, phrase, every sentence, must advance.

Example:  For the Occluded Emerald, the premise is “Evil and Love can never be destroyed, but evil contains within it the seeds of it’s captivity.  Love, does not.”

Sometimes, I use a design template.  I feel more relaxed when I’m not just using a plain white card.

Sometimes I use PowerPoint’s outline view.  Sometimes I save the file as an Outline.  I can use Word to edit and add to the outline, or overwrite parts of it.

One of the advantages of using a PowerPoint Stepsheet is that the space allowed for writing comments automatically limits the amount that I type.

Another advantage is that it makes me feel like outlining, and not writing dialogue.

I sometimes like watching a slideshow. It lets me see how my novel will progress, and if I want I can record my voice and listen what I’m intending to write.

Another advantage is that I can easily rearrange the order in either PowerPoint’s Outline View, the  Slide Sorter or on a slide-by-slide basis.

Also, sometimes I include pictures that help me to visualize my writing. “As he slid down the water chute, Barry closed his eyes and starting laughing. The water swirled around his body tickling him like a million feathers . . . ” came from writing while looking the photograph.Tips for writing a novel - tip 8 as a .pdf file made from a PowerPoint show.

Alan H. Jordan is the author of many books, articles and audio books.

Check out his forthcoming novel, The Occluded Emerald at http://www.Harmony123.com

Read one of his children’s books, The Monster on Top of the Bed at http://www.Monbed.com

Listen to his audio books at LoDingo.com. Affiliate link.  (I make money when you click on an affiliate link, but I never recommend an affiliate unless I feel that it has true value.)

Download a .pdf file that was prepared from a stepsheet created in Powerpoint.UsingMicrosoftPowePointToPrepareAStepsheet

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Drawing Inspiration From Art

January 22nd, 2010 by Alan | No Comments | Filed in Poetry, Writing Tips

Writing fiction is quite different from writing non-fiction. When I write non-fiction I immediately know where I want to begin and where I want to end. I know my premise–what I want people have as a take away

Life is not always that easy when I write fiction. Sometimes, I need inspiration. One thing that always works for me is to find a poem, novel, short story, song, hymn or work of fine art and ask myself “what does it say to me?” Then I write down my reactions, and I’m on my way.

Sometimes, I will listen to a book on CD, .mp3 file or cassette tape while I’m writing. I emulate the structure, not the content. For example, you would never know that this paragraph was inspired by listening to a part of The DaVinci Code that’s two minutes into the second CD in the set.
The sound, Duke. Sounds can energize, or destroy. If you want to keep animals away from an area, all you need to do is play a high-pitched note, a note we can't hear but the animals can.

Here’s a poem that I wrote for inclusion in one of my books that was inspired by a painting by Dan Donnelly’s named “The Lovers.” The work of art features two people, in apparent conflict, locked forever in a stance that is reminiscent of a Star Trek episode where two people are in deadly conflict. One of the people has black on the left side of his body and white on the other side of his body. The person with whom is fighting has white on the left side of his body and black on the right side. However, in this illustration, the people appear to be an artist’s mannequin–a wooden mannequin where all of the joints change. The illustration is primarily beige and brown, and it has many symbols about suffering and captivity, at least to me.

Rent Relationships

Two lovers about to kiss
Conflicted
Parts of their lives
Ripping out of memory

Heads detached from their hearts
Internally attacking
Surrounded by hawks
With vultures to follow

In a moment
The world could burst into flames
Starting with someone
Placing a lit match on
The Book of Life.

Whether you like or dislike the above poem is not the point. The point is that I used a piece of artwork to jump start my creativity. Perhaps this technique will work for you too.

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